The Soapbox:
by RebeccaRoy
Summary: This is going to be painful for some of the Hogwarts crew, but as the truth must get out the soapbox must go up...
1. Snape's Soapbox

_Disclaimer:_

I do not own the characters of Harry Potter, these belong to that wonderful author JK Rowling and the various publishing companies used to publish her works. I am however borrowing them, no not to make money but for fun and fun only. Only JK Rowling, her publishers, Warner Brothers and who JK Rowling says can make money and she has not given me permission for that, so no I do not make money off this, again it is for fun!

Summary:

The good folks of the Harry Potter world would like to say a few words. One soapbox, several students and staff of Hogwarts and details about people's lives come forward. We will start with Severus Snape as he deserves the honor.

Severus Snape has had enough of all the rumors and out-right lies about his life. So he decides to set things straight. Here he is the honorable Severus Snape (smirk) (writer gets death glare from Snape) Gee get a since of humor professor Snape, so anyway here he is:

Hello, you may know me as Professor Severus Snape from a few books out there. While I delight in the fact that someone wished to write about myself and a certain annoying brat I wish to set the record straight.

1. I am not nor have I ever been in love with Lily Evans. She and I were friends, I loved her but was not in love with her. I do not like the idea I was cast as a love struck fool in the last book.

2. It has come to my attention that some people think I was harsh with Harry Potter. That I had no idea how he grew up. This is not the case, I felt I was fair and actually nice to the little brat. I wished him to be like his mother not his irresponsible father.

3. Hermione Granger is a great student, but she is annoying. I do not care for annoying children and no I will not ever fall in love with her. Or marry her or anything else with her!

4. I am not gay, I will never be and though I can be in the same room with him I do not care for Sirius Black! He is an insane wicked man who delights in torturing innocent people!

5. Remus Lupin is a friend, an annoying one because he is Gryffindor but still a friend, nothing more.

6. My favorite students were Fred and George Weasley, they were my brightest and best, too bad my classes were the only ones that they studied in.

7. Draco Malfoy is my godson yes, his father is in fact my oldest and dearest friend. Draco Malfoy knows what the back of my hand feels like on his backside.

8. I actually like lemon drops, don't tell the headmaster this.

9. I had a happy childhood, my father though a strict God-fearing old fashioned man was a good father. He never beat me, or hurt me and in fact we were very close until he died.

10. I joined the dark lord to save the lives of those I love, not for power and glory.

11. I was a fool and unwise to do so.

12. I do wash my hair and have good teeth and excellent hygiene thank you so very much.

13. I like black because it goes with everything. It makes me look intimidating.

14. Yes I do love to scare first years, no that is not going to change.

15. Yes it is true about noses and certain body parts.

16. I could not and would not kill Albus Dumbledore even if he can be an annoying old man!

17. That having been said I would not stupidly waltz into the shrieking shack to meet the dark lord. I nearly died there once, I in no way wish to end my life there.

18. I hate Bellatrix Lestrange, I have never and will never have sex with her.

19. Though I love Narcissa I would never betray my friendship with her or Lucius by having a tryst with her.

20. I actually do not think myself that bad looking of a man. I have the girlfriends to prove it.

So that is it, I hope that helps. If not then I really don't care you silly person! Now go away you are annoying me!


	2. Harry's Soapbox

_Ah yes this is the soapbox of Harry Potter. Come on Harry, get on the soapbox (summons reluctant Harry to soapbox). Look you promised you would do this, not my idea you know. (Harry gives rude sign and glares at author) child that is not going to get you any points. So will you please tell everyone about yourself?_

Okay fine, but only because I promised to do this. So hi I am Harry James Potter, and I have been conned into doing this. (_No you have not_). I guess because Snape did this (_professor Snape_), fine because professor Snape did this it is my turn. 

1. I am not gay, I hate being shown that way. I love girls, giggly girls, serious girls, laughing girls, happy girls, girls sobbing on my shoulder, girls I can snog well you get the idea. 

2. I do not wish to be with Draco Malfoy, in any context of romance I mean come on the guy things he thinks he is good looking and all that but I would not go gay for him or anyone! _Yes you would… Shut up Malfoy or I will make you wish you did._

3. I love Ginny and not because she has red hair, she has these amazing brown eyes I can get lost in and she really truly cares about me. She does have her mother's temper but that is okay, she is a great woman and witch. 

4. Four, when I was at Hogwarts I was the best seeker ever, no kidding. I was seeker the first year I was there and but for one match I won all my games. _Yea but I went on to play in the Quiddatch world cup Harry, beat that. SHUT UP DRACO THIS IS MY SOAPBOX NOT YOURS! Thought you hated the fame… _(Harry turns Draco's hair green). _Oi!_

5. Though Severus Snape is a stern strict man and can be mean in potions, he really does care about me. I trust him and we have even become friends, though I think he is still mad about the sweets that someone slipped him that turned his hair green. (Glares at Draco) _Not me mate!_

6. Severus Snape can bottle fame, I should know, he did so for me, it's nice to walk about without everyone staring at me. 

7. I am secretly in love with Minerva McGonagall. _HARRY JAMES POTTER YOU WILL BEHAVE YOURSELF NOW OR GET OFF THAT SOAPBOX YOUNG MAN._ She is beautiful when she yells, (gets glare from head of house) okay back to the list then. On a side note I love her but not _that way._

8. I know how to fix Lockhart, no I am not going to do it. He is a useless git, sorry but he caused a lot of grief for a lot of people. 

9. Though the time with my muggle relations was not the best I was not beaten or starved for days on end. I may have missed a few meals but I learned how to stay out of the way. My Uncle lost his job and now both my aunt and uncle live in a flat and have to work. 

10. Dudley turned out great, he said he was sorry and you know what? He is really a smart guy when he puts his mind to it, I like him now. 

11. Now that I own a house, Dobby has attached himself to me. He _wants _to be my elf. _Yea that is right Harry, you are an elf thief!_ Shut up Mr. Malfoy, you were mean to him. _How dare you talk to my father like, okay shutting up now…._

12. I am good looking, I know it, the girls around me know it. However I am married now and they cannot have me! _I am thinking of marrying Pansy… _(Harry starts to laugh at Draco). _What that pug? Good point, Luna then._

13. Okay last bit then, if not for all the people around me to help me and such I could not have defeated Voldemort. Would all of you stop saying I did this single handedly? Thank you!

So that is it, I am done, I am going home, you got your interview. Sorry about Draco, he is a bit, needy. _Am not!_ As he was unloved and tortured as a child. 

_Back to the author: _

_So that is it, as Harry is getting chased by Draco Malfoy I want to thank everyone who has come today. _(Watches as Draco hexes Harry and Harry hexes back). _Wow nice hexes Draco next week we will focus on the head of Gryffindor Minerva McGonagall!_


	3. Sirius's Soapbox

_So this week we will allow the deputy headmistress to do her soapbox…. Excuse me but what are you doing here Sirius Black? (Sirius strides up looking oh so good and arrogant as ever) you do not belong here yet!_

Minnie did not want to do this yet, so I am taking over, I just love these things. So I stand on the soapbox right? Hmm, not my brand, must be Severus's that hair of his…. Okay really now I am doing this as a favor for Professor McGonagall, she has a cold. Nope not kidding and as everyone seems to want to hear all about Sirius Black here I am!

_(Author bangs head against desk)._

So let me start _(he clears his throat sounding very dog like)_ yes where to start, where to start, ah yes I have it!

1. I was a great big bullying git in school, I owe Severus an apology for it. However in every fist fight we got into he always won, that was unfair.

2. I am not gay or bi, Lucius Malfoy is bi. _Oi I am not you stupid mutt!_ Okay fine, now I love Remus very, very much, but he is my brother okay? Severus would kill me if I tried to make moves on him as if I would, I am so not gay (or bi)!

3. Students are off limits, I would never have a relation with an underage girl, its creepy, gross and wrong.

4. I love my Animagmus form, being a dog is great fun, though I don't think the women in my life would always agree.

5. Yes I am handsome, yea I know it too, and I don't care what Severus says I am way bigger than him! Noses and certain body parts do not always agree! _Shut up mutt you don't know what you are talking about._

6. I found God in Azkaban, that is the real reason I never went fully insane. _You are insane mutt._ I said fully Severus, can not a wizard have the soapbox to himself for a moment? _You are more a mutt than Wizard Black._ I hate you Sev, so back to me.

7. My mother though a wicked evil woman who loved to beat me never would have gone as far as Voldemort did with the Horcrux things.

8. My brother was a smart, funny witty guy, he should have been in Ravenclaw.

9. I did not choose Gryffindor, it choose me. I am so happy to have been chosen for such an honorable house.

10. That being said I do not hate Slytherin, they are crafty, smart and you want them on your side in a war or a fight. They are really not all that wicked. Except a certain head of house, you would do well to steer clear of him.

11. I am the reason Hogwarts a History has a section devoted to chastity wards that are in place in the school and have been since Hogwarts was founded. Yes they hurt and yes I had to visit Poppy for certain injuries…

12. James was a virgin until he got married to Lily. So was Harry and Remus but not Snape…. What this is not show and tell time?

13. Okay then, I have had sex in doggy form with girl dogs..._THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE_! Sorry but its true!

14. I love Narcissa and Andromeda and see them as my sisters. Bellatrix is my mother on steroids, I hate her so very much.

15. That having been said I would never have married Narcissa, I love her but she is too closely related! I am not my parents in that regard!

16. I had Peter Pettigrew for lunch in rat form…_No you did not_.Okay a bloke can dream can't he?

17. I know quite a bit more about the muggle world than I let on at times. _So what is a toaster then mutt?_ Go away Sev you are annoying me!

18. I convinced James and Remus to become friends with Peter, I regret that now.

19. My brother was smarter, more noble and a hero. He helped stop Voldemort, all I did was live.

20. I like American football.

21. I have one more number than Severus Snape!

So I am done, for now. I am a great guy, tall, good looking and looking for a witch or even muggle woman to share my days and nights! Please call me!

That is it, get out of here! Now I am sorry about that, I am sure Minerva will be next, until then have a great week!


	4. Minerva McGonagall's Soapbox

Minerva McGonagall's Soapbox:

_Okay we are now back with deputy headmistress Minerva McGonagall, transfigure extraordinaire, Animagmus in the form of a silver tabby cat. Received Order of Merlin Second class for her noble works for Hogwarts and the Wizarding community. Receiver of the purple heart for having to deal with Sirius Black for seven years (author gets glare from McGonagall) okay so here she is, professor McGonagall!_

Thank you and since this seems to be the preferred method of sharing things from one's life I will oblige. I assure you there will be no interruptions or any foolishness while I am here.

1. Severus Snape is a college, head of Slytherin and annoying. That having been said he is a good friend and a great potions master. However I have no intention of dating the man even if he is good looking in his own way. Nor does he have the same intention for me, really those rumors that spread around!

2. I do not intend now or ever to marry, I am truly happy single. For those who say it is sad I have never had children the students of Hogwarts are my children and always will be no matter how old they may get.

3. The headmaster is a dear friend, wise and honorable. Though he has certain peculiarities he is the greatest wizard of our age. Even if he sets the passwords to his office as sweets, really any student with half a brain could get into his office with passwords like that.

4. I regret not adopting Harry Potter as an infant. It would have been good for Severus to have the boy at Hogwarts as he did care very much about Lily Evans Potter.

5. I do not find it funny when certain people leave catmint around!

6. I actually found Fred and George Weasley my brightest and funniest students. Their pranks were to make one laugh and I allowed them to get away with a few more than I normally would.

7. Yes I really do play chess with Severus every week, I win more often than not.

8. I regret not doing enough to keep Tom Riddle from his dark path. I was in school with him and I wish I could have done more for him.

9. I actually do not mind snakes at all. I thought about getting one as a pet however the thought of Severus finding out brought me back to my senses.

10. I love single malt whisky, firewhisky is just not the same.

11. I know more about the muggle world than I let on at times.

12. I can if needed drive a car.

Well that is all I can think of, thank you for your time. I must be going now (sees Padfoot slinking around the soapbox) how did you get out? You wicked puppy! (Turns to Tabby and chases after Padfoot, sounds of hissing and whimpering are heard).

_Okay hope he will be alright, well then that is that. Not sure who is next seems who ever should be next gets bumped or something. See you all later!_


	5. Remus' Soapbox

Remus Lupin's Soapbox:

_Hello all I have a wonderful man here that thanks to new laws and such he can now work. You many ask why he had a hard time getting work, he is talented, very smart and a good teacher. Well let's let him say why he had a hard time for so long shall we? Remus dear come up here don't be shy they will not_ _hate you I promise._

Thank you this is rather new for me as you stated. Hello all, oh did you tie up Padfoot for me dear? _Yes I did, he will not bother you._ Okay here goes then.

1. I am a werewolf, I have been as long as I can remember, that is to say when I was bit I was only eight and remember nothing before the time I was bit.

2. My parents, despite my horrible condition loved me dearly, I was raised with love and kindness. When I woke up after my change my mother always made me hot chocolate. Every time I eat chocolate I remember her love.

3. I am not gay or bi, though I know I cannot pass my condition on though sex I was a virgin until I got married. I am old fashioned that way but I was raised that sex outside marriage was foolish and wrong.

4. I am a friend to Severus Snape. _Moony how could you!_ Who let Padfoot out? _Friends with that slime ball?_ Padfoot he is smarter than you! He makes me the Wolfsbane and keeps me sane!

5. On that vain I do like Sirius, he is loyal and became an Animagmus for me. However be that as it may he can get a bit annoying. _Oi that is not nice!_

  
6. When James and Lily died I literally went mad with grief. When Padfoot was locked up I nearly died. I don't remember hardly any of the twelve years before I came to Hogwarts. It was Harry who helped heal me, seeing him made me realize I did have something to live for. _What about me being found innocent?_ Well Harry is smarter than you Padfoot. _I don't need brains Moony, I got looks you know!_

7. When I met Nymphadora Tonks I never thought she could love me after she found out what I was. She knew what persecution was like as she was persecuted for her gift, she loves me unconditionally.

8. I hate lemon drops in fact I hate lemons. Even the smell of them makes me ill.

9. Yes it is true that it is very hard to get a werewolf drunk, high or stoned. Yes I will admit I inhaled, and it was really so over rated.

10.Minerva McGonagall is my role model, I want to be as good a person as her.

11. Harry is more like his mother than his father. He may have most of his father's looks…_Poor boy_… Padfoot brother dear you interrupt one more time and I will tell Molly. So back to Harry, he can play Quidditch like his father but he is so like his mother sometimes I think I am talking to her.

12. No it is not funny when certain people play songs like "Bark at the Moon" or "Bad Moon Rising" or the very worst "Werewolves of London". It's was not funny in school and it is not funny now.

13. I am afraid of spiders, no reason really but I am.

14. I love the Weasley twins, their pranks always were to get me to laugh and Merlin it worked!

15. I am secretly in love with Rita Skeeter._ Ah what? Moony that is insane!_ Did I mention I love pranks and I just got Padfoot yet again?

16. I like muggles and know as much about the muggle world as Harry and Hermione.

18. I love raw hide chews, doggy chews and the like. It has to be the wolf in me as they are wonderful. It was Severus that found my favorite at a muggle pet shop! He gets them for me still.

19. I am honored that Severus Snape would even ask to be my friend, after all I did try to kil him in the shack. _You were not in your right mind wolf, I know it was not your fault._ Thank you Severus.

20. Flitwick is my roll model, we are very good friends now.

21. Hermione reminds me of Harry's mum, she is as smart as Lily was and has a temper to match.

22. I have one more thing on my soapbox than Sirius "Padfoot" Black.

_Some days Moony you just kill me._ So I am done, I wish I had chocolate for all of you, but I am going to go jump into a pool of chocolate pudding. (_Lupin smirks_) alone mind you. _Okay then, that is Remus Lupin, I have no idea who is coming next, I really don't…___


	6. Hermione's Soapbox

Hermione's Soapbox:  
_Hi we are back with Hermione Granger, graduated with twelve NEWTS, head girl, and smartest witch of her age_  
Thank you, I will be quick about this as I think Sirius got out again. _No I locked him up dear._ Thank you Professor McGonagall. Okay this is my first time at this.

1. When I first got my letter to Hogwarts I did not really want to go. It was my parents to convinced me I should as they believed I was very gifted.

2. Harry has always been the brother I wish I had, Ron though he can be annoying I love him and really do want to marry him. As long as he realizes I plan on working!

3. I think professor Snape is a good looking man. In school I was the one who wrote a rather inappropriate poem about him. _That was you? Miss Granger!_ Sorry professor McGonagall.

4. I do like Draco Malfoy, we have become friends. However I would never date him, he is too much of a pain and I would end up killing him.

5. Luna and Ginny are my best friends, they are really very smart, funny and help me with pranks against certain boys.

6. On that note, I loved helping Fred and George with a few of their pranks, not all of course but a few were really funny.

7.I hated Ron's rat from day one, now I know why.

8. Victor Krum is a great friend, I was invited to his wedding and we are friends to this day.

9. I had a major crush on Remus Lupin in my third year. I even thought when I grew up we would date and marry. I am so glad I changed my mind as he belongs with Dora.

10. I am just as smart if not smarter than Severus Snape. _I am well aware he knows this_. Miss Granger don't you pick on Severus! I speak the truth professor.

11. I love sweets, even though my parents are dentists they don't see a problem with sweets as long as I take good care of my teeth.

12. Though I think Professor Snape is a good looking man I don't intend on marrying him or even going out with him. Well maybe I will if Ron keeps bugging me, after all I am out of school now. _Oi Hermione you can't, that, he is a greasy git!_ (Author smirks)_ Ronald Weasley you take that back now you cannot speak about Severus like that!_ You should be nicer Ron.

13. I prefer Sirius Black as Padfoot, he is much sweeter that way and much less annoying.

14. I like Quadpot more than Quidditch.

I can't think of anything else, so I will leave it at that. Thank you all for your time.

_Okay that is it then, thank you Hermione, stay tuned for more soapbox!_


	7. Lucius's Soapbox

_Um Hello I am back and one very interesting man wanted to do the Soapbox. His name is Lucius Malfoy _(dead silence) _look I know he was a bad guy for some time but let him say his piece okay? (_Lucius walks up looking oh so arrogant er good in his robes of dark green, his long blond hair perfectly done and hanging straight and shining). _So I give you Lucius Malfoy._

Hello, yes I am Lucius Malfoy, I really find certain rumors tiring mostly by certain sources coughSiriusBlackcough. So in that vein I am setting the record straight now.

1. Severus Snape is a dear friend, he is my brother actually in all but blood. I care deeply for him and could never, ever hurt him in any way. I do hate how those rumors about me torturing him or doing far more base things get around.

2. I love my wife, and I will say she was smarter and stronger than me. She knew how to get power without joining a certain dark lord.

3. Though I did, once in a while kill I never did engage in torture or um other baser activities, I am a hard and cruel man, I will not apologize for that, however as I said there are things I would not do!

4. I hate Wormtail, too bad I was not the one to get rid of him. _That was me mate_. Yes it would have to be the mutt.

5. I don't see what the problem is being Slytherin.

6. I don't see what the problem is my not liking muggle born, I cannot trust them, to me they are evil. All they wish to do is destroy our world! _Mental mate_! Will someone not shut that stupid mutt up?

7. I do regret joining Voldemort, I did so to protect the magical word _and? _Um I wanted power and fame and all that? _Good boy, you can be smart sometimes._

8. My son is a great Quidditch player, Severus would not have allowed him on the team, brooms or not if he had been so good.

9. I never beat my son, my wife says I spoiled the boy, I in no way did. The poor boy needs all the things and love he wants.

10. Aside from Narcissa I don't care for the Black family very much. Bella was free with her curses and Sirius is annoying. I don't wish to talk about Andromeda.

11. I am in love with Minerva McGonagall. _That is it you evil man how dare you mock me I will teach you, you if you were still in school…._ Well not that way but it is fun to rile her up.

12. I am a powerful wizard, I am smart, well accept for a small mistake. I would appreciate it if people would stop equating my beautiful hair color to stupidity!

13. Um the headmaster really is smart and not a fool, fine I said it happy now?

14. I love dark chocolate, mostly with Narcissa………….._There Are Children Here!_ If Sirius could talk about sex surly a married man can say he has a good home life?

15. I have never cheated on Narcissa, it is not because I never was tempted but because my wife is a Black! She would make sure I never strayed again, in permanent painful ways.

16. Even though I do not trust or like Muggles I do want to buy, er I did by a silver Porsche with green leather seats and interior. She drives very fast.

So I am done, I am going home, I don't want to be here as well my wife is at home and I really hate being in the same building as Sirius Black!

_Well that was interesting, so that was Lucius Malfoy. He can be such a stupid jerk at times but at least now he is on our side, or I will turn his hair pink permanently! _


	8. Albus Dumbledore's Soapbox

__

We have heard from so many fun and interesting people, the next person who would like to speak is Headmaster Albus Percival Wulfic Brian Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry, cheif warlock of the Wizengamot, supreme mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards and order of Merlin First class. Professor Dumbledore you have the soapbox.

Thank you my dear, I will keep this brief but entertaining as I can.

1. I adopted Severus Snape not just to protect him from Azkaban but because I see him as a son, he is amusing _I am not amusing headmaster! _and very intellegent and is never afraid to tell me exactly how he feels.

2. I like muggle disco dancing, it is fun to get up and "get my groove on".

3. I know full well Severus likes Lemon drops, I just wish he would stop saying he does not.

4. I do not know everything that goes on in the castle, the reason I know what I know is due to the wonderful house elves (sobs from the kitchens can be heard) they are such good creatures.

5. Molly Weasley is perhaps the bravest and scariest woman alive today, before Lily Potter died she had that honor.

6. I should never have left Harry with his relations, if I had known he was not treated right blood wards or no I would have found a safer place even if it was far from England just to keep him happy. I owe Minvera an apology along with Harry.

7. I made a mistake in taking the inner house cup from Slytherin in Harry's first year (sees Severus faint) oh dear I did not mean for that to happen.

8. I regret not doing enough to clear Haggrid all those years ago.

9. I still think if I had just worked a bit harder with Tom he would not have turned evil like he did. I tried to give him love of a parent but perhaps in his case that was not enough. _You are right in that sir._

10. I have many more regrets in life and wish to ask forgiveness from all who I have wronged. _You are still brilliant sir and I had fifty lemon drops too!_ _Mutt shut up now!_ Ah it seems as if Severus and Sirius are getting along wonderfully.

11. I know thirteen things to use dragon's blood for, the last is rather horrible and I would rather never reveal what it is.

12. I have gone to Disney Land several times since it opened, glamour charms work very well indeed.

Well I cannot think of much more to say, thank you my dear for letting me have this time!


End file.
